


I Feel Like I'm Drowning

by Charming Facade (CrystalSilhouette)



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Bisexual Lance (Voltron), Canon Compliant, Character Study, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Hand Jobs, Introspection, Lance (Voltron)-centric, Langst, M/M, Non-Consensual Touching, POV First Person, Pining Lance (Voltron), Sexuality Crisis, Unrequited Lust, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Whump, lance pov, season 6
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-04
Updated: 2018-08-04
Packaged: 2019-06-21 21:36:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15566820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrystalSilhouette/pseuds/Charming%20Facade
Summary: I feel like I'm drowningI'm drowningMy life's okayYeah, just when you're not around meLance is trying to come to terms with rejection, inadequacy, and new uncharted territories of his love.





	I Feel Like I'm Drowning

**Author's Note:**

> If you weren't already aware, the title and summary come from the song "I Feel Like I'm Drowning" by Two Feet.
> 
> The entirety of his album sort of set the mood for this quick blurb of a fic.  
> I love the music on the album and I was really surprised how much it mirrored almost exactly the kinds of feelings that I had wanted to put out in this story. 
> 
> If it's something that you would be interested in, might I suggest taking a listen to it to sort of set the feeling for the read; specifically "I Feel Like I'm Drowning", "Love Is A Bitch", and "Hurt People". If not, that's more than alright as well. I still hope that you enjoy the story just as much!

 

 

 

Aches. Soreness. Stiffness. Weariness. No, exhaustion.

 

Why?

 

It didn’t seem important. All that mattered at that moment was the shower that was about to happen the second Lance made it to his room. It was going to be steamy, and relaxing, and he was going to be clean, and smell fresh again. There were few perks in the world – universe, in this case, he supposed – that could just wash everything away. Seldom was there a chance to feel renewed so easily. Lance made sure to take such opportunity as often as he could manage.

Lance’s sneakers squeaked occasionally on the polished floors of the Castle of Lions as he walked, a sign of him beginning to drag his feet a bit in his fatigue. Either the wash would rejuvenate him, or it would be enough to ease him to a restful slumber. He was excited for that prospect too, his body drawing his arms out wide with a yawning agreement to his internal sentiments. Sleep it was.

McClain took a few more steps into his stretch, letting it pull along his arms and down his spine. It felt good.

Before he could relax his arms, something grabbed him.

It grabbed him by the front of his shirt and yanked him into a dark corner of the halls. Lance hit the wall with a thud. His chest throbbed where it slammed against it and his forehead stung a little after bumping the wall a little too. He felt his right arm being yanked behind him and twisted upward, making it difficult to make any worthwhile retaliation. Though, even if he could find any leverage, the strength that plastered him against the wall was immense. Lance felt trapped by a force that hardly even seemed to be trying. He attempted to wrench his arm free from behind him, but as he wriggled it, he felt the grasp tighten ever so slightly, making his attempt even more difficult.

“Wh-what the he-“ He could feel the warmth of his own breath spill against the cool stone wall of the castle as he huffed. But he was quickly silenced when a palm slammed onto the wall next to his face, gloved and richly purple.

“About what I said earlier…” Lance’s eyes widened at the grizzled voice filling the shell of his ear. “I’ve got all the time in the universe now.”

Lance’s eyes followed the hand as best they could as it slid down the wall next to him. When he lost sight of it, he felt it. He felt it slip under his shirt and glide over his stomach. The chill from the wall was still on that palm and fingers, icy against the rising heat of his skin. The roaming hand shifted directions and headed upward. He took a breath. It left him in a quiet stutter. He could feel each individual finger gliding over the right side of his chest, each precise and full of intent. He swallowed thickly as he felt two of them pay special attention to his nipple. With his shirt lifted to accommodate the exploration, Lance could feel the icy wall near his skin and that only gave the fingers more to toy with.

“Please…” Lance could only find a whisper in his voice as his face started to flush, “Keith…”

His back arched slight, but sudden when he felt them pinch and twist. The sensitivity there only heightened for further attention. Lance’s free hand rested on the wall, braced to attempt to push off, but the effort never came. He wanted to, but he couldn’t. He didn’t.

“You know,” he could hear Keith’s voice again. He could feel his lips move against his ear and it send a shiver down his spine. “I learned a lot about myself in those two years.”

Lance felt Keith’s hand ebb from his hardened stub of flesh and slowly slip down his side.

“I learned all about my parents. I learned who I am…”

It played at the hem of his jeans on his hip.

“What I am…”

Lance’s eyes shut, and he could feel his jaw tighten.

“What I want…”

His brows furrowed as he felt Keith slip his hand over the front of his pants. He could feel the slow, heavy glide of his fingers and the pressure of his palm. Lance could have lied through his teeth all he liked, but there was no denying the budding stiffness in Keith’s grasp. He could tell himself to fight it all he wanted, screaming it in his head over and over again, but it would have been no heart in it. With each caress, he woke further. Quicker. Harder. The pace matching the motion of Keith’s effort.

“Keith.” Lance could only plead again.

He felt Keith nip at his earlobe and it caused him to lose hold of a light grunt.

“What about _you_ , Lance?”

He didn’t answer. All his attention was on Keith working his belt free while still keeping him trapped between him and the wall.

“What do you want?”

Lance found himself wanting Keith to hurry up. If he wasn’t pinned to the wall like a poster boy for impatience, he would have worked the button and zipper free much faster himself. He sucked in a deep breath through his teeth as he felt Keith reach for him proper. Lissome fingers circling his growing heat caused his hips to shift and certain muscles to tense at the intimate attention. He nearly cursed at the delicacy of it. It was one, measly draw upward and a single fingertip down the front of his length before finally feeling the full grasp of him beneath. Finally, the real contact earned a pleased, soft moan.

He was completely involved from that point. Lance could feel the way Keith’s fingers rolled and cupped and enjoyed the way he managed to caress the rest of his need with the heel of his palm. His shoulders laxed as his hips shifted luridly into the attentions. Breaths grew looser, heated, and more frequent. As Lance began to cave into his wanton passions, Keith became more assertive with his caresses. It shifted into a sexual spiral for McClain. He was beginning to fall into a well of lust and he hardly found himself wanting it to stop. He wanted more. He wanted Keith to be thorough. He wanted Keith to be incessant, persistent, tenacious.

He could feel the vigor in Keith’s hands build, but it wasn’t enough. He had to bite back a growl of frustration when Keith decided light caressing of his peak was a much better course of action than getting him off right away. It wasn’t the _wrong_ choice. Lance couldn’t get enough of the sensation, but he wanted release. He wanted a strong grasp and hard strokes and his free hand moved to guide him that way.

Lance felt the breath of an airy laugh fall against his skin and cause his nerves to prickle.

Keith obliged and was satisfied to hear Lance’s appreciation in thicker moans and heated gasps. He released Lance’s arm and pulled him in close, resting his chin on his shoulder. Soon, both hands worked to push Lance over the edge. With Lance’s guidance, he caressed and stroked while he cupped and kneaded, and Lance curved back against him in a limber arch that exposed the supple skin of his neck.

Lance felt the wet caress of Keith’s tongue before the gentle pull of his lips and he heaved a lungful of impassioned breath. He reached for the back of Keith’s head, and urged him to find his eager mouth, hungry for passionate kisses between them as his hips and chest rose and fell to a stormy rhythm of desire and carnal instinct. Lance clutched at him. He gripped at his arm that worked so diligently, so devotedly, and he clutched at the black strands between his fingers. Neither letting up their salacious intentions for the other until Lance finally broke with a thick cry of Keith’s name.

 

 

_Shit._

I could already feel the soreness in my lower back. I couldn’t have even begun to describe how much I missed an actual bed. Not to say I wasn’t _grateful_ for our situation. We were going home. We were on the way to Mamà and Papà and _everyone_. But fuck, did I miss a mattress. I sat up slowly with a low, raspy groan. I could feel the muscles in my laterals screaming at me for sleeping on a hard surface. You’d think the inside of a lion would be softer. I stretched as best as I could, trying to talk away some knots in my shoulders. After doing the best I could manage, I shifted the covers over me.

“God damn it.”

My hands dropped onto my lap as my head hung back with a heavy sigh. This was the third time in a month I’ve had a dream about Keith like that. What the fuck was wrong with me? I’d never had such vivid sex dreams before. Even with having a crush on Allura, they had never been this sort of raunchy. The last one had Keith over me and I couldn’t have found myself in a less compromising position, begging him for it.

 

After Keith came back with his mom, I’d never been able to really push him out of my mind. I’ve caught myself looking at him, watching him, just right out staring at him. Thank every fucking deity in existence he never noticed before I realized it. But, these dreams. They were so intense and, what’s worse, I don’t want them to go away. I mean, I _do_. But, I… enjoy them. I closed my eyes tightly in frustration. Clearly, I enjoyed them. I was sitting there with a fucking hard-on still. But, it was Keith. My rival. My fellow paladin. My brother in arms. Keith. Why Keith? My face fell into my hands with a groan. What the fuck was I supposed to do?

One thing I _had to_ do was take care of my _situation_ before any possibility of thinking straight could even happen. Lucky for me, I didn’t seem to have packed any tissues. _Actually_ lucky for me, it was late enough everyone else seemed to have turned in for the night so I would be able to work in some quick self-care without any issue.

The current planet we camped out on had a fairly tropical atmosphere. It was a bit muggy as I stepped out, the humidity having built a bit even without the solar star overhead. I was comfortable enough in just my sweatpants. I would make it quick anyway.

Quietly, I left Red to my back and stepped into the brush of the trees. I picked out a decently sized tree to brace against and sighed heavily. I didn’t want to, but at the same time I did. I wanted to see his face. I wanted to hear his voice. And I hated myself a little because of it. I closed my eyes as I reached for what ailed me. I thumbed lightly as I pictured the vibrant glow of his violet eyes, the dark curtain of his long hair. I listened to hear his breath and heard his voice.

“Lance? What are you doing?”

I practically jumped out of my skin and looked over my shoulder, nerves still firing with adrenaline.

“Holy shit! What?!” I could feel the anger rise in those sore muscles again in my nervous tension. _Don’t move. Don’t come any closer._ I would be mortified if he saw me like this. I would never tell him he was the reason why, but I knew. And I didn’t want him to see me this way ever, especially when it was over him. “Christ, can’t a man take a piss in peace?”

I had hope that feigning exhausted anger would mask the panic.

“Alright, alright!” Keith answered, putting his hands up in the air defensively, “Sorry. Geez.”

I could hear him grumble under his breath as he headed back to the clearing. I had forgotten that he had watch duty that night. I probably would have approached the issue entirely different had I remembered. Not only was I nearly caught red-handed, the drive was all but renewed now that I saw him, now that I heard him. _Shit_.

This time my urgency was not to lose the fresh ringing of his voice in my ears, the vibrant shade of his eyes and the look of his face. I closed my eyes with a thick swallow and could see his lips around me. My imagination provided the wetness of his mouth, my hands, the feel of his motion. The hand I braced against the tree balled into a tight fist as I stroked and heard his breathing and moans fill the spaces in my mind. I felt tears well in my eyes as I edged closer. There was a vivid image of him knelt in front of me and expertly working his mouth and tongue and I could hear him, _feel him_ moan hotly as I was buried inside. Finally, I released, a few tears slipping down the sides of my face.

I wanted him. I wanted him and I hated myself for it. How was I supposed to make anything like that work? I prided myself in being a lady’s man. I was supposed to be the one they flocked to. I was the _heartbreaker_ . Now I was the heart _broken_ and so… utterly… confused. My chest ached still thinking about it. All that time, I had let Allura fill my head. She still did. She still amazes me, makes me want to be something more. But I knew that there was no way I could ever be with Allura. I knew that then. I felt so heavy afterward. I felt empty. But while I feel hollow over Allura, I’m starting to become filled with thoughts of Keith more and more.

I never found myself hating him. My frustration was over myself. I was angry at the way I seemed to have so quickly shifted my focus. It made me feel as though all that time and love for Allura I had built so steadily was nothing. I was upset over being so enamored with Keith to the point of wet dreams. How was it so quickly progressed to physical pleasure? And Keith was a dude! How could I suddenly shift so fast to being with a guy? And, not only that, being topped by him?! I couldn’t let myself be ok with feeling so fifth-wheel with the team, with Allura and Lotor, and immediately topped by the first guy I fantasized about. How eager was I to just utterly emasculate myself? Was I that pathetic?

I managed to clean off with leaves and brush before heading back to bed. Keith attempted an apology, but I really couldn’t bring myself to stay long enough to even look at him. It felt like another knife to my gut waving him off like that, but I couldn’t handle it emotionally.

The next morning was no better. I had managed another few hours of sleep, fortunately dreamless. But the soreness never faded and it only made the dreariness more apparent. I could feel my heart chip a bit more being assigned to help Keith and Pidge scout the area we took up for anything unusual, dangerous, or worthwhile. Coran, Shiro and the rest stayed behind to catalogue inventory, chart courses, and see if they could find any signs of Rebellion activity or just someone to contact. Travelling without the castle for months now was nothing near simple. We were on the path to home, but the longer it took the more one could see it starting to chisel at resolve and confidence. At least, I certainly felt the growing ambiguity of our travel and timing.

“Looks like we aren’t too far from a water source.” I heard Pidge speak up and my eyes lifted to a second clearing where a stream cut through. She ran scans to see if it was anything we could drink or if it was a source that had to be treated before consumption.

Meanwhile, I wandered to a distant side of the clearing, partially exploring and noting surroundings. But, mostly, it was an attempt to distance myself from Keith for a little while more. His breath on my skin was still just a little too fresh in my mind. I wondered the night before, once I slipped back into the blankets on the floor, if the hard surface was just as awful if he was laying next to me afterward. I hated how much I wondered those kinds of things. I wondered those kinds of things more about Keith than I had with any girl, and that included Allura. I hate that I was so easily distracted by them. So distracted that I didn’t even notice the gargantuan beast that snorted a warning at my close proximity.

“Lance! Look out!”

I looked up in time only to see the rise of giant hooves as the beast reared back, ready to stamp me into oblivion. I had no time to even react, let alone bring my rifle up to fire. Before I could feel the crushing weight of alien foot, I hit the dirt hard. Keith had managed to make a dive in time to shove me out of the way. While Pidge worked on scaring off whatever wild thing that had been with some of the flares we brought, I was busy trying to stave off any undue… stress.

“Th-thanks, Keith.” I grimaced at my hesitant stutter.

“You ok?” I was glad he stood to dust himself off.

I stared at a hand suddenly offered to me for a minute. I looked up at Keith and hid a swallow, trying not to think of how Keith had just been on top of me. Pressed on to me just by his own weight. I nodded in answer before taking his help.

“What’s with you today?” I could see his face etching into his trademark scowl. “You’re completely unfocused. You almost got yourself hurt.”

“Sorry.” There was _some_ sincerity there. “I promise, I’m fine.”

“Lance, if something’s wrong just-“

“I said I was fine!”

I hadn’t meant to snap. I really didn’t. But, I just couldn’t handle the pressure of being poked and prodded while having to deal with this personal turmoil. It was just too much to handle. Keith had given me a look that anyone could only read as “what the fuck”, but I wasn’t sticking around to give him any sort of answer.

“Forget about it.” I huffed and stowed my bayard.

I just wanted a minute. Just one minute alone to breathe. I left Keith at the edge of the stream and continued the same direction away from camp. I was sick with myself. I wanted to be with him, I could feel it. But I couldn’t handle being so close to him. I wasn’t sure what I wanted, my mind flashing back to the question Keith had posed to me the night before in my dream.

 

It wasn’t too long before the trees began to thin out as I walked. I could see light breaking through leaves and branches getting steadier and brighter and, in a short while, I stood at the edge of an open cliff. It overlooked a winding ravine, slowly carved out through centuries by the winding river that carpeted the bottom. What I wouldn’t give to just be able to cut through all these building insecurities and growing confusion the way the water had. The winds felt good in the standing humidity. It cooled the skin on my face and I felt myself ease just a little.

 

Just a few minutes.

 

And that was all I got. I heard a rustle in the brush behind me and heard Keith call my name again.

 

“Pidge says that the water cleared…” I knew he was trying to find a way to get me to talk about what bothered me.

 

I sighed. I knew blowing him off wasn’t really an option I had this time. I knew it wasn’t Keith’s fault either. None of it was. Just like it wasn’t Allura’s fault. I knew people couldn’t help how they felt. And Allura just didn’t feel that way for me, even if I did with almost everything I had. I couldn’t help but smirk to myself. Love was a bitch.

 

I turned to head back down the small incline toward Keith. As I did, there was a rumble of thunder. The rain was immediate. It was a sudden deluge that left me and Keith drenched to the bone in our suits within minutes. It was the most glorious feeling. I stopped, letting my head fall back and raised my arms to the sky welcoming the shower of water, not even caring how luke warm it felt in the heat of the planet.

 

I felt the tensions fall away and drip off of me like the rain itself. It carried away the dark cloud forming in my mind. It carved away at the boulders of self-depreciation that had weighed me down. It loosened the tightness I felt around my chest and I felt the hotter stream of tears slip down my face again. I thanked those celestial clouds for the rain to hide them from Keith. The air suddenly felt crisp and refreshing and there wasn’t enough to satiate the hunger for it I had. I drew in a deep, ragged breath, still crying, but couldn’t help a smile as I let it out.  My eyes drifted back down to Keith and I saw him there, watching me. Waiting for me. I wiped my face of water and tears with both hands and headed toward him.

 

I stood just before him and could see him trying to read me. His amethyst eyes scrutinizing my face seemed to glitter in the rain, much like they had in my mind. I shook my head. It wasn’t fair. Why wasn’t it ever fair? He didn’t say a word. I’m sure it was because he didn’t know what he could say.

 

I threw my arms around him and clutched him tight. I felt the cool press of his wet suit against mine. I felt his unsure breath, I could hear it against my ear. It was odd having him be so much taller than he was the last time we had seen him. But it worked. I squeezed a little bit more, my eyes shut tight as I buried my face in his shoulder. I felt, after a short moment, Keith reach for me. His own arms slipped around my chest and back and he started to squeeze just as hard. I felt hot streams again, quickly washed off my face by more rain. There was a shudder in my bones because of it that I knew he felt. But he never said a word about it. He simply placed a hand on the back of my head and neck, and I was surprised how much it soothed me. With a breath, I let him go. But he didn’t.

 

I felt his thumb brush across the skin of my neck as he rested his forehead against my own, eyes deadlocked to mine.

 

“Whenever you’re ready…” he said simply, “I’m here.”

 

I smirked. Man, the can of worms that could open…

 

“I know.”

 

I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to kiss him so bad. I wanted to know the reality of his lips pressed against my own. I wanted to feel the real heat of him, the true wetness of his tongue on mine. I reached for him the same way he had me, my fingers weaving into the soaked strands of black on his head. “...I know.”

 

He smiled and we turned to head back to camp like the drowning rats we were.

 

There would be a time. Maybe I would be ready some day. Not now. We had a mission to see through. We had other concerns that were bigger than ourselves.

 

Defenders of the universe, right?

**Author's Note:**

> I really wanted to try and personally explore some of the darkness that I felt Lance is starting to fall into around the end of Season 6. He was really put through the loop emotionally. And I will always be in love with Klance, but I wanted to sort of see how Lance might react to the possibility of falling for Keith - and quite hard, as they say the heart grows fonder. Didn't quite expect it to pack that much of a punch, right Lance?
> 
> Of course, by the end of it, our Lance is still Lance and knows, as he mentioned, that the only thing you can do is try to make it right. And the way to make it right is to set it aside until there's a good time to deal with it. 
> 
> Our sweet darling little starboy.
> 
> Anyway! Thank you for the read! Let me know what you think! How do you think Lance is dealing with these personal emotions? Do you think Keith would have minded if he DID actually just smack in him the face with a big ol' wet smooch? Haha. (Also did you listen to the music? Did it make an impact in the story at all?)
> 
> Cheers! <3


End file.
